Saturday 27 April 2013

Smoothly does it

For the past week or so, when anyone has asked me how I am, I have been saying that I have reached a kind of plateau. I am not longer in the realm of panic attacks or major meltdowns, I just feel nervous all the time. Sort of an improvement, sort of not. I have been here before and the trouble with it is, it is perfectly liveable with. I can get by like this. It doesn't stop me doing much and it doesn't have too much negative effect on those around me. But it is very tiring and it does make everything take rather longer than it should.

Take leaving the house to get G to nursery school on time. He's been to the loo, I've been to the loo, E's nappy is ok. Shoes on, coats on. So far so good. Then...I go to the loo, I check the oven, the hob, the fridge door, the front door, the freezer, loo again, check again, right, now is the last possible minute to leave and still be on time so Go Go Go! Instead of a leisurely walk, with G walking and having time to pick up sticks/pebbles/leaves, comment on the various vehicles we pass or the numbers and letters he spots along the way, he is on the buggy board and I'm making myself feel sick with the tension of getting there on time...

It isn't always like that, sometimes better, sometimes worse, but you get the idea. It just makes everything a bit harder and wastes that bit more energy. And longer term, it starts to impact my physical health as all the nervousness starts to take its toll on my systems. Which then makes me more nervous... I need to not accept this plateau long term, a little rest might be acceptable but I can't stop here for long, I have done that before and it was a major error. Fortunately, A and I have both recognised the dangers this time which will go a long way to keeping me moving.

But underneath all that, I am happy at the moment. There have been a few significant things lately, some conversations, some reading, some praying and I have a clarity, ease with myself and general sense of enjoyment that has been hiding for a quite a while. Pretty cool.

Wednesday 24 April 2013

An administrative post...

Ok, so a number of you have told me you have tried to comment on posts but not been able to. I have no idea why. But I have been through now and reset all my settings etc. if you have tried to comment in the past and it hasn't worked, please could you try commenting on this post (one word will do!) and we can see if it works yet... Apologies if you have a hair pulling out time trying.

Saturday 20 April 2013

What are you doing about it?

One of you lovely people sent me a link to Jen Hatmaker's latest blog post after I mentioned her in the previous post. It was all about getting "out of the doldrums" and an action plan to do so. For her. Not an action plan for anyone who ever finds themselves in a grump ever! It reminded me that a few of you have asked what I have been trying to do and change as a bit of self help in all this so I thought I'd write you a little list...(I loves a list!)


  • Date nights. A and I sort of gave up on quality time together for quite a long time. We would go out when his parents came to stay and were happy babysitters or that sort of thing but there was no regular pattern to actually spending time together. We now have an evening a week when we eat after the kids are in bed, have a glass of wine and a big old chin wag. Sometimes we end up doing organising-y jobs but only the fun ones, like booking a holiday. Quality time is definitely good. :)
  • I'm writing down about one sentence a day about G and about E, my favourite memory of them for the day. Yes, it will be a lovely thing to have in the future but that isn't the point, the point is, I go to bed thinking about the lovely cuddle, the new word, the funny story,the amazing bit of sharing. Not the tantrum, the spilt food, the toilet disaster, the loss of temper...
  • I'm reading more. This is indicative of a bigger shift - when G was born, I gave up too much "me". First, I was just so tired I couldn't do anything other than look after him. Then, it just became habit. And it felt like I should prioritise all kinds of things above me. And I don't mean above having quality alone time or anything massively self indulgent, I mean doing the things that make me me and reading has always been one of those things. The more I read, the more me I become again. It is one of those things that, for me, indicates overall health. My spiritual life is healthier because I read a novel. Truly. And my mental/emotional life can hardly get over the difference a good book makes!
  • Exercise I've already mentioned. It fallen by the wayside a bit with the ill health the past few weeks but the idea is there.
That is probably the lot for now. I am still toying with bigger actions like going to the GP to talk about a bit of cognitive behaviour therapy (my hands may not take much more washing...) or going to see a counsellor. But I am not there yet. Plus, you know, it would eat into my novel reading time...!

Monday 15 April 2013

A day of rest

I am, and have always been, a huge believer in having a day of rest or a Sabbath. It is one of the things that my parents were extremely clear on and they also made it extremely simple for me to aquire that structure in my life. Get it done in six days, take a rest. I was most grateful of this during exam periods when the nerves and revision can nag away at you all the time...but not on Sundays for me. They never featured on revision timetables (unless I just wanted to enjoy looking at the blankness!) and I got a real break, it didn't even cross my mind to work on a Sunday.

Now, of course, things are rather different. Even before having children, I married someone who works on Sundays pretty regularly. At the moment, it is only once a month but that can be enough to throw the rhythm of life off. And then of course there are the small children and the working 24/7 and not stopping ever ever ever... Except the occasional grand day out on my own, kindly engineered by friends and A.

I still believe in a day of rest. And I don't just believe in it "spiritually". I think it is so important for every part of me, of us. Physically, emotionally, mentally and, yes, spiritually.

This has come up again recently for two reasons - one being "that book" (otherwise known as 7, by Jen Hatmaker, on loan to me from desert mum, and all about the excess in our modern western life and, after six chapters of hard fasting (clothes, food, spending...), she talks in the final chapter about Sabbath and a rest from stress), the other reason being the increased need for a day of rest when facing anxiety.

So how the heck am I going to do that?! I started some time ago making sure I did not use the washing machine on a Sunday (unless there was a dire need/illness...and then I would usually run a smaller load and avoid too much hanging out). It was a tiny step towards making Sunday different but it actually made a big difference. So now I'm thinking about other tiny steps. Tiny steps that give me more of a break and allow me to enjoy more. Enjoy my family, my friends, my church, my God...everything. Any suggestions of ways to not do all the same jobs on a Sunday are welcome! I'm considering a possible approach of not cooking on a Sunday but I haven't quite worked out how yet. Because, quite frankly, reheating can be a sufficient faff. Especially on an anxious day!

This weekend just gone I had quite a lot of rest due to being ill and it was good for me. We also had a family prayer time at dinner. Shocked the life out of us when E coherently joined in (only on the thank you section!). It was a little bumpy and rough round the edges but the kind of bumpy and rough that had "start of something good" written all over it. I hope! Here is to a different kind of day off!

Saturday 13 April 2013

Accidental Blogging

One of the problems of small children is that you don't get to do things when you think of them.

Take my last post. I was really keen to write a positive post, to talk about the good week, the fun times had (two highlights were a trip to a really excellent soft play place that everyone enjoyed, delightful to see G so carefree, and watching E watch a steam train for the first time, you could see the cogs whirring in her little mind) and the general sense of progress. However, there were things to be done, noses to wipe, sleep to be caught, and I simply did not get to write the post when it was on my mind. So then I tried to write it when the time had passed, when the positives were starting to fade and when I felt lousy. It didn't work, for me at any rate. I don't know how it was for you but it was all wrong for me.

So here is my plan. If I miss the boat on a post in my head, I won't write it. Them's the breaks. It might make things more disjointed, but I hope it will keep me a little straighter on the original intention of this blog.

Oh, and today? That was a good day too. Despite the fact that I now have pretty proper flu. I think when my mind gets taken up with something, such as feeling dreadful, it doesn't have time to be so worried. Every cloud...

Thursday 11 April 2013

Two steps forward...

I had a lovely week or so around Easter. There was no sadness and the anxiety diminished day by day, though often haunted me at night making sleep rather broken.

So what changed?

I had been starting to exercise a little and it definitely helps. Often it is just on the Wii fit in the evening so hardly strenuous but I have been running a bit too which also gets me outside and On My Own.

The next change has been an agreement with A that I will get one night off a week if at all possible. What this tends to mean in practice is A sleeps all night and if the kids wake, I still deal with them but I sleep better because I know I don't have to deal with them or if it turns into a saga with whichever child (or both...), I don't need to feel any guilt over getting A to help/take over.

And the last change has been a bit of sun. Wasn't it nice to see blue sky and a feel vaguely like it might be warm again one day! We have a grotty little room at the back of our house called the "sun room". The roof leaks, the carpet is going mouldy, the woodwork is falling to pieces. I'm really not sure what the people who put it up were thinking. Except for a few weeks around this time each year. It isn't warm outside but my goodness, it is roasty toasty in that room! Ahhhh.

Take any of these away and I do start to melt down again. The past few days have taken them all away while I have been too poorly to exercise (a cold and a crazy allergic reaction. Don't ask. Or do, if you want a really embarrassing, ridiculous tale of woe!), utterly shattered (see the poorly bit. Plus G being more poorly than me and keeping me up a lot) and the sun went away. And I cried and I shouted at the kids over nothing and...sigh. But but but. Today, I didn't cry at all. I'll take that!