Smoothly does it

For the past week or so, when anyone has asked me how I am, I have been saying that I have reached a kind of plateau. I am not longer in the realm of panic attacks or major meltdowns, I just feel nervous all the time. Sort of an improvement, sort of not. I have been here before and the trouble with it is, it is perfectly liveable with. I can get by like this. It doesn't stop me doing much and it doesn't have too much negative effect on those around me. But it is very tiring and it does make everything take rather longer than it should.

Take leaving the house to get G to nursery school on time. He's been to the loo, I've been to the loo, E's nappy is ok. Shoes on, coats on. So far so good. Then...I go to the loo, I check the oven, the hob, the fridge door, the front door, the freezer, loo again, check again, right, now is the last possible minute to leave and still be on time so Go Go Go! Instead of a leisurely walk, with G walking and having time to pick up sticks/pebbles/leaves, comment on the various vehicles we pass or the numbers and letters he spots along the way, he is on the buggy board and I'm making myself feel sick with the tension of getting there on time...

It isn't always like that, sometimes better, sometimes worse, but you get the idea. It just makes everything a bit harder and wastes that bit more energy. And longer term, it starts to impact my physical health as all the nervousness starts to take its toll on my systems. Which then makes me more nervous... I need to not accept this plateau long term, a little rest might be acceptable but I can't stop here for long, I have done that before and it was a major error. Fortunately, A and I have both recognised the dangers this time which will go a long way to keeping me moving.

But underneath all that, I am happy at the moment. There have been a few significant things lately, some conversations, some reading, some praying and I have a clarity, ease with myself and general sense of enjoyment that has been hiding for a quite a while. Pretty cool.