Temptation

(Disclaimer: I am veering off topic. Probably for a while. It isn't that the anxiety is all fixed, it is just that there isn't really anything to say about it at the moment. And besides, what I am about to say still falls under the category of being honest...)

About eighteen months or so ago, I realised I had a serious problem with self control/will power/temptation. I had none of the first two and there was plenty of the third around. It had snuck up on me because the things tempting me weren't really all that significant. Did it really matter if I ate another chocolate/cake/biscuit? (At that point in time, Esther was about six months old so sugar was clearly one of the major food groups for me.) And if I snapped a little too much at the kids, that was sleep deprivation wasn't it? And if I said something to A that I should not have said, that was gossipy or mean or...well, that's what husbands are for, so you don't say these things anywhere else, right?

So I took action. I cut down on the chocolate, cakes and biscuits. Yes, I know the other two might have been more important areas to think about but it is better to start somewhere than not at all... And actually, cutting down on the treats did help the other two too. By practising self control in a relatively harmless area, if upped my reserves in the tougher areas.

As time wore on, the idea slowly slipped from my mind as resisting cakes became natural and I forgot to keep practising other areas of self control. Until a few weeks ago when I realised I was up against some perhaps rather more significant temptation again.

As has been mentioned before (and by now, at least half of you who I know to be reading this blog have read it) there is this book called 7. One of the biggest impacts on me from it was the whole spending section, where do I spend money? Do I spend all available money "just because"? What could I be doing better with my money? And so on.

I became aware that when feeling low, tired, crabby, I found solace in purchasing. Not big purchases, not evil purchases in themselves, but spending money and buying little treats was a pick me up. A Good Food magazine. A bargain book on Amazon. Some new glasses/tea towels/Tupperware... Always low cost, almost always unnecessary. But what really bothered me was that I found comfort in it. I thought the days of comfort shopping were long behind me now that I no longer view clothes shopping as a recreational pursuit. Turns out I was wrong.

So I noticed that perhaps two months ago. And I was concerned and wanted to change it. Gain comfort and self worth elsewhere. Not fritter away money. I was aware but I wasn't really doing anything about it.

Then about two weeks ago, I noticed a new side to the problem and this side was temptation pure and simple. it turns out, I also buy myself little treats when I am happy and "deserve" them. Things are good! Therefore I must have been working hard! Have a treat! And these treats almost always take the same form: stationery. Beautiful notebooks. Lovely pens. Post it notes. Coloured paper. Writing paper. Any paper! You get the idea.

Since noticing this out and out temptation I have been trying to resist it. I am horrified how hard it has been. I have stood in shops fighting with myself over a notebook. You see, the things I want the notebook for are very worthy so surely it is ok?? G is now trained to say "step away from the craft things, Mummy" if I pause too long.

I am not yet winning on this one, far from it, but I am trying. One of my ideas is to not buy anything that is not on my list when I go to the shops. Though I have to allow myself some kind of get out clause to cover just being too dopey to remember to write milk or apples or other necessities on the list and so I haven't quite fleshed out the "rules" yet as I certainly intend it to cover frivolous food buying as well as paper products!